I was brought up as a Church of England Christian. I was a member of the church youth club and a member of the church choir but was never a particularly ardent believer. I hated the way some members of the congregation went for communion then returned to their pews, their faces displaying a pious superiority that I felt at odds with the teaching of Jesus.
In 1977, my wife gave birth to twin daughters. One was born normally but the second was severely brain damaged at birth. Despite, or maybe because of, her disability, I loved that child. In 1993, aged 15, she died. I was totally distraught and attempted to find some sort of solace by walking twice a week to Canterbury Cathedral and sitting in a small chapel communing with my daughter. However, after a short while the Cathedral introduced charges and I could not, or maybe refused to, pay. I was sure that there was mention in the Bible of Jesus throwing moneylenders from the temple and briefly searched for it. Failing to find it within a short while and feeling somewhat angry, I looked in other books. One of those I chose to read was called The Unauthorised Version by the historian Robin Lane Fox. I was amazed that there is no historical evidence for the existence of Jesus . I felt cheated when Lane Fox said at the end of his book that notwithstanding the historical evidence the story of Jesus is such a nice tale that the lack of evidence didn’t matter.
I felt I had lost my faith and had nothing to replace it. I read all and everything I could but began to realise that it really didn’t matter if I replaced my faith or not; I had to be responsible for my own life and my own beliefs. This blog forms part history of my search and part the conclusions I came to.